*originally posted 3/18/08*

*As always I was granted permission to share his story. Names have been taken out for privacy, but as all of us survivors know, the names are interchangeable, our stories stay the same. We are not alone. We need each other. So I am not going to comment or provide further thoughts, this is my friend’s forum*

Hey D,

How have you been? I hope all is well with you and things are going good.
I am writing because I read your blog-not just the one about Chris, but the others. I want to commend you a million times for doing that site. It’s a really hard thing to let people know about and to openly talk about.

I was reading one about how people think your gay and I guess that hit me really hard. I understand exactly where you are coming from 100%, I have been there in every aspect. This is between you and me but I was also abused as a kid and not that many people know because of the fact I hate when they feel sorry for you.

I don’t need pitty from them, I am as normal as the next guy but had a really tough experience. You know what I am talking about. I guess it just really hit home because I have had the same feeling when people say “oh he’s gay” and I am always getting angry. I also have alot of gay friends and they don’t know what has happened to me, but they always ask why I get so defensive.

I don’t know, I just think it’s a really good thing you are doing and keep it up. Your a good person and I really can’t express how I look up to you and what your doing.

It’s really funny that what you said about looking up to my life. I have been listening to a song all day and I write in a journal non stop and put these lyrics in them just this morning. “My Life, Your Entertainment. You watch it, while I live it. You waiting for me to lose it, I guess I’m just here for your amusement” It’s T.I. and Usher, it just really hit me hard because I have been struggling my whole life and like you I put that wall of this is me with what I have and wear. I always wanted people to be proud of me and look at me. But deep down I am struggling with my own problems.

But all the time everyone says “you’re so lucky”, when I really am struggling to survive mentally. I did the same thing as you did with the email. I sat in front of it and thought about sending it, but it felt right. You blog about it and you’re a true survivor.

It was never our fault and I know for me, I always thought it was me or people would judge me for it. It was always a dark cloud over me and until I was 25 (3 years ago) I really couldn’t even talk about it. My ex girlfriends mom was also abused and we would talk for hours and I would just cry.

That really made me understand alot about it and I still have hatred toward the person, he was a step dad and I was only 4 and 5 years old. He served 5 years in prison I think, and that will never give me back the 21 to 24 years I have had the thoughts and images. I still will have a nightmare about it once a year maybe but that’s it now. It is something I will never forget but at the same time, it has made me who I am. I am a stronger person and I know I can survive anything people throw at me.

I believe that is the same way you are, to do what your doing takes so much courage and I commend you for that. It is crazy that all those years of being friends we never said anything. I think about the times when I would be hanging out with you guys and now that I look back, we all tried and were successful but we really went after women more than the average guys. Alot of things make more sense and the reason I am so sexual to this day. I am just glad I emailed you, it’s nice to talk to a true friend and have them actually understand. Thank you Donnie, thank you soo much. If you need anything just let me know. I would love to help with anything I can. I just think of when I was younger if I could have talked to someone that went through the same thing, how different and how many years could I have saved feeling hurt and hate, just being different than everyone else. Just let me know what I can do, and I can’t tell you enough-

*We had a brief conversation about another close friend of ours, one who has been abused. He didn’t know and our friend has yet to find out that we have another survivor in our group of close friends. It’s always gut wrenching when you find out the people you are closest to were also abused, it really does all come together, especially male survivor friends*

I made my coffee and have been thinking the whole time. I guess I am just stunned about this whole thing, I have been thinking about how to talk to our friend and really how to really make the first move. I just don’t know how to say ” Hey me too ” that sounds weird but I want to talk to him. You guys are my brothers and really when I look back at my life, You, him, and our blond friend were a big part of my life and even though we don’t talk as much anymore I still really thank you guys for a lot of who I am.

With everything in my life that has happened, the abuse, not having a father and not trusting any older man. You guys were my family and all of you guys along with my brother were the man figures in my life growing up. I thank each of you for everything you guys did. You all may not know it but you all taught me to be a man and to respect older people. (not necessarily men but people older than me) When I got to hangout with you guys I had to respect you guys and not be a little kid, I look back and think about all the times you guys let the little brother hangout. Each time I did I enjoyed it because I was with my true family. So I thank each of you more than you ever will know.

Back to our friend, I do need help with this. I can’t think of anyway to say that “I know” and want to talk to him really bad. With you it was easy because I read your blogs and felt empowered and I thought it was amazing that you are out helping other people that have done the same things that I have.

-Put it away in a dark place and forget about it.- It’s funny because people have told me to go to a counselor and deal with it and a lot of the times I just got angry because I don’t want to talk to someone that doesn’t know the feeling and when you haven’t been through it, you truly (to me) can’t understand and know the feeling. I was pee’d on and alot of things that if you haven’t been there you don’t really know.

But talking to you and hopefully our friend soon, is a good thing and I know it wasn’t my fault in anyway. I was a child and it’s not my mom’s fault either. It is the first thing people think when you talk about it for the first time. They always tell me “It wasn’t your fault”, I know and try to express that to them. But without failure it always comes up.

Sorry if this email is so jumping, I just have a million things to say and trying to put them all in one email. haha sorry. I just want you to know that you’re doing an amazing thing here and thank you so much for telling me about our friend. I still can’t believe we all were friends and each of us had something that we were all hurting from and didn’t say anything. I truly believe that is why we all were friends though. I do think that we helped each other out and didn’t realize it back then. Because I look back and think about the times when I would wake up from a bad dream about it and there you and him would be, poke checking me in the a.m. haha but you guys were there a lot when it was really rough for me and even though you guys don’t know it, YOU HELPED ME. Thank you and now even more of my life is making sense.

I love ya brother,

Close Friend,  Fellow Survivor.