That’s what happens for victims of any abuse, but especially sexual abuse. Especially sexual abuse committed by another family member. Incest. Rape. The Cinderella Effect. Child molestation victims suffer in silence.

The next couple weeks I will be bringing back stories from other survivors who suffered in silence like myself. I brought back my close friends story yesterday because that story hit very close to home.

I am slowly learning that it is easier to lean on other survivors, counselors and good friends who are sympathetic and understanding to the specific emotions I deal with as a former victim turned survivor. Family is hard to talk to. The pressure of “pleasing” my family that comes with discussing my sexual abuse is over-whelming.

I had a fellow survivor over at my house, and she wanted to know how I can speak so highly of family and how family can be so important to me when I don’t even talk to my own family. (Good Question)

So I played a game last night. A game to see if certain family members who are the ones who society says “should always be there for me when I need to talk” would actually be there for me if I needed to talk. It turned out to be a sad game.

The only one who came through was Bio-Dad. Very surprising actually. It was actually an enlightening conversation once he got over the whole  “Why would you randomly call at 1am” thing.

I have friends who have been around me for the last 10 years, much more so than family, and they get to “see” me day in and day out. They know what I’m about. They know where my heart lies and they know how to deal with me and understand me. (Put up with me, not so much…lol)

We are raised with this “family” mentality that our “family name” is sacred and God forbid anyone brings shame upon it. Letting the world know that I was sexually abused has taught me a lot. It has really shown me who is there for me and who is more concerned about family image.

It was my decision to start opening up about my abuse and yet many of my family members feel they deserved to be sat down one by one and informed of the who, what, when, where and how. They were more concerned with their own answers (for family gossip purposes?) and family image than of thinking about the emotional toll the last 20 years has been for me.  I feel like an idiot for thinking that they would be proud of my blog. Their questions are self serving and have nothing to do with the support that I as a survivor expect and deserve.

Deciding not to suffer in silence is a big step on the way to becoming a survivor, and once it does come out, we survivors don’t have a grasp on what it does to family and friends just as they do not have a grasp on our emotional state or how to “deal” with us. (Rev has a great article about Secondary Survivor’s I will post again soon)

It is the concern or “perceived” concern of family image that kept me quiet for so long. It’s disappointing that my concerns came to fruition once I began writing this blog. By coming out and speaking openly about my sexual abuse,  about what demons I held in, why I was who I was during my period of silence, I have become an outcast of sorts to my own family.

I have family members who make up their own assumptions of how I feel about them. No one wants to take the time to sit down and actually talk to me with an open mind and not get defensive when I speak about what I have seen through my eyes. What I have felt. Instead I get the cold shoulder or told my thoughts and feelings are wrong. To open. To honest. I have nothing to hide and if my family is anything like yours, they like the skeletons in the closet they don’t want the word to see.

The common theme is “Donnie is throwing everyone under the bus”. When the theme should be “Donnie is slowly becoming a survivor by speaking out against the atrocities that happened to him, and he is being open and honest about what happened to him and how it affected him.” Damn, that’s impressive.

Open and honest is what we are taught, until it tarnishes a family name or legacy. Some of my family members have gone to the extreme and said “It happened in the past, you had your chance to speak up when it was happening, you didn’t, so let it go and stop bringing a bad name to your family.”

And  people wonder why victims don’t want to come forward. Why we suffer in silence.

I am 30 years old. I refuse to suffer in silence. I am sorry to people who were once close to me who don’t want anything to do to me, because I am actually becoming the person I was meant to be. I was a scared little boy for 20 plus years. Now I am taking a stand. I am taking my life back.

I was raised in a  backwoods logging town and my Mom reinforced how much I had to stand up for myself as a minority in the community. She told me that I couldn’t let people knock me down, and if I was, that I had to get back up and fight. Most importantly, she taught me to speak my mind, but in speaking my mind, to speak the truth.

This is my mind, this is my truth. I live it everyday. I am a survivor and I am proud. I will not suffer in silence ever again.

¡No Más Silencio!

Donnie D.