Saturday I’ll be at the Fall Out Boy, 50 Cent, Cobra Starship, Metro Station, All Time Low and Hey Monday concert in Houston (Believers Never Die Part Deux Tour). I’m going flying out to L.A. the following day to go on a cruise to Mexico. Yup. Life is rough. (I even went to Samsonite so I could get matching bags for my trip. TMZ might be at the Long Beach Airport, I gotta be ready! I get mistaken for Vin Diesel. It happens.)

Last week I went to Dallas to see New Found Glory (Shai Hulud, Set Your Goals and Bayside opened). The Not Without a Fight Tour. By the way, if you haven’t heard, The Loft was evacuated during the final song of the Set Your Goals set list after the floor started to cave in. Yup, almost became those people in the wedding video. A floor creaking and bowing was pretty neat? Excitement all around me! Life is rough.

The following night in Austin I saw Plain White T’s (Cruiserweight and Danger Radio opened). Three Part Harmony Tour at Antone’s. Jumped on stage past all the teenie boppers to grab the PWT set list. Got yelled at. “GET OFF MY STAGE!” Sheesh. The concert was over. Sorry stage guy! The most surreal part of the night was watching people my age drop off their kids, and then inside, the line of parents at the bar sitting back and watching their kids. Yup. that happened.

The videos from both concerts are up on my You Tube Channel (I’m pretty sure you can find humor in the 2 New Found Glory clips and comments, the Shai Hulud clips are really good, and Plain White T’s covered California Dreamin by the Mama’s and the Papa’s into Hey There Delilah. Pretty glad I got that one.) I highly suggest checking them out!:

http://www.youtube.com/user/donniebrasco512

I even had a tattoo artist and a piercer play tic-tac-toe on me. Didn’t think it was going to end up i a “cat’s game”. Yup, that’s permanent. That happened. And it’s forever. Forever “stamped”. Even better!

The point is, I am absolutely living my dream. Read: my. I live in Austin, unless you live in San Diego, I promise your city sucks more than mine. Promise. No offense to Bismark or Twin Falls. I’m just sayin. I’m doing what I want, when I want, and finding balance in it all.

5 days after my cruise I’m going back to Houston to see The Dave Matthews Band (w/ The Avett Brothers?). My yearly DMB concert roadie. A couple days after that I’m going to Dallas to see The Hustle Boyz, K’Naan and Snoop Dogg. Cinco de Mayo baby. House of Blues. Or as we say in the hood. HOB, HOB, HOB. Maybe not. (Trying to find my inner hood)

Then I’m going to take a break for a few weeks, then head to Houston to see No Doubt and Paramore.

Yes. I am absolutely bragging about my life right now. 100% so. It has been an amazing few months. Finally doing stuff for me. I love music and concerts. So I do it. I’m doing what I please. Finally.

My abuser “taught” me to  please others. And I’m good at it, but I never found the boundary or balance when doing so. Whether it was family, friends or country. I was all in. Sometimes so much so that I started to resent the very thing I found solace in. I would become loathing. Ugh.

Eight months ago I started blogging. During my work sabbatical I have been working almost full time on my writing and editing of past posts. As painful as it was reading some of those 4000 word specials, imagine going over them over and over and over.

It is the 4000 word specials that led me taking my life back and doing something for others that I actually wanted to do and not because I felt I had to. I took this step and other than joining the Army, I can’t think of a bigger step I’ve taken. As concerned as I am with self image, I had to stop doing things to please other people because it was killing me inside.

And now it kills me inside but it’s a different killing. (I just wrote that sentence. That just happened. So I’ll keep it.)

I used to have a few triggers now and then that would send me into a heaping mess for days. I never wanted to talk about my abuse. I went out of my way to avoid it. People that were close to me and knew about my abuse never asked what it was doing to me and I never told. It was just “there”.

Now I spend my days bouncing ideas on what to write about. I’m very open about my abuse. I get emails and messages and text messages about it. Other survivors young and old ask me stuff. It’s no longer just there. It’s “out” there. And my clown make up is off.

The sexual abuse that kept me from being me and defined me for 20 years is now the sexual abuse that defines me in a positive way. Who’d a thunk it?

I now have more triggers than ever. I can’t figure out if that’s a good or bad thing, but it helps me write. It helps me figure out me.

This blog has consumed me. A few months ago someone called me out and told me that I was a different person, that I was consumed by this blog and I completely denied it. I apologize to that person, because she actually saw what I didn’t see. I am consumed.

But I’ve never felt better and I don’t think I’ve ever been healthier mentally. Not only did I think I was doing the right thing when I started this, the pats on the back and positive encouragement let me know it was the right thing to do. It’s better than any accolades I ever got for sports, or grades or Army stuff. It feels good.

War has changed my thought process and this blog has changed my life.

I have everyday stresses just like the rest of the world. Vacation and concerts. This blog. Getting behind on TV shows. Not having ideas. Friends. Social Networking. Dogs. Birds poop on my car. My 401k magically turned into a 201k. And sometimes I wonder if I’m where I’m supposed to be. I guarantee someone just asked themselves “How can you be stressed over (insert something dumb I stress about here)”. And that’s okay.

I sit back and appreciate the stress I have. Because I’m lucky. And I get to do my thing. And it’s my stress. And I don’t care what people think about my opinions, my blog, my Myspace, my Twitter, YouTube, my attitude, my vulnerability or the fact that it’s quite apparent I have a man crush on all thing pop punk/emo. It’s all me. And I’m fluid, and open, and honest, and the clown make up is off. I have found happiness in what used to be my misery.

-Donnie D.