What I do know is that 3 real people were open, honest and candid about the issues that many people deal with. A subject that isn’t as out in the open as it should be. It affects so many people and so many families we really need to get the word out. We need to be open. I know for a fact that depression, suicidal thoughts, addiction and self injury are all issues that victims of sexual abuse struggle with after the abuse is over. It’s the aftermath.

It’s like I’m New Orleans after Katrina. I’m still rebuilding and I’ll be rebuilding for the rest of my life. The important thing is that I’M REBUILDING. In my struggle to cope with sexual abuse, I have felt all of those feelings. My whole life. To the point where I self referred to a counselor because I knew I needed help. I was able to suppress my thoughts and my addictions from time to time but eventually they came out in other forms of addiction and other stupid thoughts. I thought I was in control, but I wasn’t. Everything started to snowball. Everyone around me thought my life was great, that I was doing so well. I always laugh, I always joke. No way is Donnie depressed. Donnie is smiling so he must be okay. It wasn’t until I sought help that I started to heal.

I have a lot of people share stories with me about the experiences of their abuse, and the thoughts of suicide and a constant state of depression are common place. Unfortunately, like sexual abuse, we have not opened up as a society where those of us who deal with these issues feel comfortable enough talking about it. It’s taboo. Peer pressure. The “too cool for school” attitude. Pride. Vulnerability. Trust. Fear of rejection. So many reasons, and all of the reasons suck. It sucks so bad.

And we don’t know who to trust or who we can turn to or even where we can turn.

One of the reasons I started writing about my issues was because I knew, I absolutely knew there was no way I was the only one with the thoughts I have. I knew there had to be resources out there, real resources, genuine resources, and I had no idea why I didn’t know about them. It really made me angry. I really felt like I was in a bubble. Googling some random site didn’t give me the personal touch I was looking for. It seemed sanitary. It didn’t feel warm.

One of the biggest issues I have is trust. Trust and honesty is everything to me. Any abuse resource I have in my Abuse Resources links are groups and organizations I absolutely trust. People whom I wish I had known about a lot sooner. Through back channels or in person, I have had the opportunity to interact with each of these organizations in some capacity, in person, email or phone, and I trust them.

It’s a deeply emotional subject and I think many times friends and family tap dance around the issue. Denial. Not knowing what to say. Not knowing what to do. Not knowing how to react. No mother wants to think their child is being sexually abused, or has suicidal thoughts. No mother raises their kid to be addicted to drugs or alcohol.

Which is why I think it’s important to know that these links aren’t just for abuse victims or people dealing with any of these issues. These links are for families. They are for friends. They are there so we can see the signs. So we can help.

I would almost bet the house that with our new forms of communication i:e MySpace, Facebook, Twitter…that status updates can clue us in to the emotional and mental status of our loved ones. In fact, when you watch the video, you’ll see how TWLOHA became what it is because of social networking and how they were able to connect with hundreds of thousands of people who, in my personal opinion, wouldn’t have searched for help without them.

Any resource is a good resource, but what I have found that helps me are resources I can relate to and not resources that throw statistics (lol. 16%) out at me. Statistics are good to know, but too many numbers flood my brain and lose the substance. Seeing a person my age deal with the same issues I deal with is refreshing. That’s what I want. That’s what I need. A community that understands. That feels. That loves. That accepts.

Tonight, I found myself another home, and they welcomed me with open arms.

To Write Love On Her Arms.

Please visit their website. The link can be found in Column 3 under the Abuse Resources heading or visit http://www.twloha.com/

And take a quick minute to check out the NBC Nightly News clip about the roots of their organization, and how a simple story turned into an amazing movement.

Stay up and stay true,

Donnie D.

RAINN matched that $20 and turned it into $40. You can do the same with your $5 donation, whether it’s for a pack f ciggs or 12 pack of Natty Light. It’s small, and I know it”s a sacrifice, but it helps so much.

Donations today can be made at my RAINNMaker page (http://rainnmakers.rainn.org/RAINNMakerDonnie)

Thank you.

This Wednesday, April 29th, I am asking you to turn in that vice for Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month.

RAINN is matching all donations this month. So with a few days left in the month, if you haven’t yet, put down that vice, whatever it is, and donate it on Wednesday!

The fundraiser will be held on my RAINNMaker page @ http://rainnmakers.rainn.org/RAINNMakerDonnie

Thank you!

April is Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month. So here are links to check out while I’m gone. And yes, a music video from YouTube is my new sign off I guess. I like it. I’m gonna keep it. It either is the mood of me or my blog. Maybe a tribute. Who care’s. It’s new. I like it.

So in the next 9 days without me, here’s a checklist!

Give up a vice and donate it to RAINN on Wed. April 29th. Check out the post here—–>http://sixteenpercent.com/2009/04/11/vice-for-rainn/

I highly encourage everyone to check out Survivor’s Revolution and you can also find her RSS feed in column 3. She never disappoints. Great read. I’ll be reading her while I’m gone!

Behind the Couch also has an RSS feed in column 3 and has great perspective on mental health awareness.

Also in column 3, I have added a new Abuse Resource which I like a lot. It’s called Take Back the Night. You can find them at www.takebackthenight.org. So check them out.

1in6.org, malesurvivor.org and www.amsosa.com (Adult Male Survivors of Sexual Abuse) are great sites with information on male survivors like myself and also answers to questions family and friends of male survivors might have. So please take a peek.

And of course the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network at www.rainn.org.

Yes, a lot of  links, but a lot of information. Information for all of us. Survivor’s and secondary survivor’s. I’m still running through all of those sites and I find useful information every time I go.

So on vacation I go. After 7 years, 4 months and 22 days in the Army and a 30th birthday all within the last month, I deserve a vacation of my choosing. For some reason, I think I’m going to enjoy Baja Mexico more than Iraq, Jordan or Leesville, LA. Thank you Army for great birthday vacations?

It’s also the 10 year anniversary for me and someone in my circle of 4 close friends whom I going with on the cruise, so I’m excited. On April 15th, 1999, we went to a Sacramento Kings/Seattle Supersonics game. Great game, went into double overtime. Saw my hero Gary Payton. And after the game, we went to the Delta King, a old ship in Old Town Sacramento, and we snuck (not a real word) on board and sat on the top deck looking at the Tower Bridge, and we talked for hours. Almost went to San Francisco that night just because. But we shared a lot of personal stuff, stuff I write about, and we became close friends that night. She was one of the first I ever felt comfortable enough sharing my story with. I was 20 years old. A bond was formed we share to this day and I’m so proud to have this person in my life, even if she’s not an avid reader of my blog (sad face). This trip is gonna be special.

So there you go, links galore. Enjoy while I enjoy the Believer Never Die Part Deux Tour w/50 Cent in H-Town. I’ll try to hug Pete Wentz or get a “holla” from Fiddy Cent.

And then I’ll try to eat the worm in Ensenada while I’m on the beach! Or gamble my life savings away on the boat! Maybe eat at Koi or Ketchup on our nights in LA and make it on TMZ. I’ll punch Wee-Man or somethin!

Hasta en Fuego my friends!

Update: It’s 3:01 AM, I wrote this earlier, much earlier. I uh. Well, there’s 2 running diaryesqe blogs when I get back regarding the tattoo’s I got on back to back Thursday’s. I promise they’ll be good. Well the stories. You might not be in the “I like ink” group, but you’ll like the story.

Last week I went to Dallas to see New Found Glory (Shai Hulud, Set Your Goals and Bayside opened). The Not Without a Fight Tour. By the way, if you haven’t heard, The Loft was evacuated during the final song of the Set Your Goals set list after the floor started to cave in. Yup, almost became those people in the wedding video. A floor creaking and bowing was pretty neat? Excitement all around me! Life is rough.

The following night in Austin I saw Plain White T’s (Cruiserweight and Danger Radio opened). Three Part Harmony Tour at Antone’s. Jumped on stage past all the teenie boppers to grab the PWT set list. Got yelled at. “GET OFF MY STAGE!” Sheesh. The concert was over. Sorry stage guy! The most surreal part of the night was watching people my age drop off their kids, and then inside, the line of parents at the bar sitting back and watching their kids. Yup. that happened.

The videos from both concerts are up on my You Tube Channel (I’m pretty sure you can find humor in the 2 New Found Glory clips and comments, the Shai Hulud clips are really good, and Plain White T’s covered California Dreamin by the Mama’s and the Papa’s into Hey There Delilah. Pretty glad I got that one.) I highly suggest checking them out!:

http://www.youtube.com/user/donniebrasco512

I even had a tattoo artist and a piercer play tic-tac-toe on me. Didn’t think it was going to end up i a “cat’s game”. Yup, that’s permanent. That happened. And it’s forever. Forever “stamped”. Even better!

The point is, I am absolutely living my dream. Read: my. I live in Austin, unless you live in San Diego, I promise your city sucks more than mine. Promise. No offense to Bismark or Twin Falls. I’m just sayin. I’m doing what I want, when I want, and finding balance in it all.

5 days after my cruise I’m going back to Houston to see The Dave Matthews Band (w/ The Avett Brothers?). My yearly DMB concert roadie. A couple days after that I’m going to Dallas to see The Hustle Boyz, K’Naan and Snoop Dogg. Cinco de Mayo baby. House of Blues. Or as we say in the hood. HOB, HOB, HOB. Maybe not. (Trying to find my inner hood)

Then I’m going to take a break for a few weeks, then head to Houston to see No Doubt and Paramore.

Yes. I am absolutely bragging about my life right now. 100% so. It has been an amazing few months. Finally doing stuff for me. I love music and concerts. So I do it. I’m doing what I please. Finally.

My abuser “taught” me to  please others. And I’m good at it, but I never found the boundary or balance when doing so. Whether it was family, friends or country. I was all in. Sometimes so much so that I started to resent the very thing I found solace in. I would become loathing. Ugh.

Eight months ago I started blogging. During my work sabbatical I have been working almost full time on my writing and editing of past posts. As painful as it was reading some of those 4000 word specials, imagine going over them over and over and over.

It is the 4000 word specials that led me taking my life back and doing something for others that I actually wanted to do and not because I felt I had to. I took this step and other than joining the Army, I can’t think of a bigger step I’ve taken. As concerned as I am with self image, I had to stop doing things to please other people because it was killing me inside.

And now it kills me inside but it’s a different killing. (I just wrote that sentence. That just happened. So I’ll keep it.)

I used to have a few triggers now and then that would send me into a heaping mess for days. I never wanted to talk about my abuse. I went out of my way to avoid it. People that were close to me and knew about my abuse never asked what it was doing to me and I never told. It was just “there”.

Now I spend my days bouncing ideas on what to write about. I’m very open about my abuse. I get emails and messages and text messages about it. Other survivors young and old ask me stuff. It’s no longer just there. It’s “out” there. And my clown make up is off.

The sexual abuse that kept me from being me and defined me for 20 years is now the sexual abuse that defines me in a positive way. Who’d a thunk it?

I now have more triggers than ever. I can’t figure out if that’s a good or bad thing, but it helps me write. It helps me figure out me.

This blog has consumed me. A few months ago someone called me out and told me that I was a different person, that I was consumed by this blog and I completely denied it. I apologize to that person, because she actually saw what I didn’t see. I am consumed.

But I’ve never felt better and I don’t think I’ve ever been healthier mentally. Not only did I think I was doing the right thing when I started this, the pats on the back and positive encouragement let me know it was the right thing to do. It’s better than any accolades I ever got for sports, or grades or Army stuff. It feels good.

War has changed my thought process and this blog has changed my life.

I have everyday stresses just like the rest of the world. Vacation and concerts. This blog. Getting behind on TV shows. Not having ideas. Friends. Social Networking. Dogs. Birds poop on my car. My 401k magically turned into a 201k. And sometimes I wonder if I’m where I’m supposed to be. I guarantee someone just asked themselves “How can you be stressed over (insert something dumb I stress about here)”. And that’s okay.

I sit back and appreciate the stress I have. Because I’m lucky. And I get to do my thing. And it’s my stress. And I don’t care what people think about my opinions, my blog, my Myspace, my Twitter, YouTube, my attitude, my vulnerability or the fact that it’s quite apparent I have a man crush on all thing pop punk/emo. It’s all me. And I’m fluid, and open, and honest, and the clown make up is off. I have found happiness in what used to be my misery.

-Donnie D.

I wish I could tell you my story, tell you that I am a survivor but the truth is that I am a coward and because of that I am still a victim; I don’t know if anyone knew what happened but I’m too afraid of what might happen if they found out…

Thanks for listening, maybe one day- I too will have the courage.

First and foremost, thank you for sharing.

Staying anonymous doesn’t make you a coward. Reaching out to me, someone you’ve never met, is by definition courageous.

The road from victim to survivor is an “at your own pace and distance” type of deal. It’s baby steps. Don’t compare where you are with your road to survival to where I am, Dominic Carter (name drop) is or anybody else. Focus on you.

We all get there in our own way on our own time and by our own terms. It’s a long  journey. The best advice I can give is don’t get discouraged (it’s easy to do) and don’t forget you’re not alone.

You’ve already taken an amazing step. Congratulations.

Stay up and stay true,

Donnie D.

The next couple weeks I will be bringing back stories from other survivors who suffered in silence like myself. I brought back my close friends story yesterday because that story hit very close to home.

I am slowly learning that it is easier to lean on other survivors, counselors and good friends who are sympathetic and understanding to the specific emotions I deal with as a former victim turned survivor. Family is hard to talk to. The pressure of “pleasing” my family that comes with discussing my sexual abuse is over-whelming.

I had a fellow survivor over at my house, and she wanted to know how I can speak so highly of family and how family can be so important to me when I don’t even talk to my own family. (Good Question)

So I played a game last night. A game to see if certain family members who are the ones who society says “should always be there for me when I need to talk” would actually be there for me if I needed to talk. It turned out to be a sad game.

The only one who came through was Bio-Dad. Very surprising actually. It was actually an enlightening conversation once he got over the whole  “Why would you randomly call at 1am” thing.

I have friends who have been around me for the last 10 years, much more so than family, and they get to “see” me day in and day out. They know what I’m about. They know where my heart lies and they know how to deal with me and understand me. (Put up with me, not so much…lol)

We are raised with this “family” mentality that our “family name” is sacred and God forbid anyone brings shame upon it. Letting the world know that I was sexually abused has taught me a lot. It has really shown me who is there for me and who is more concerned about family image.

It was my decision to start opening up about my abuse and yet many of my family members feel they deserved to be sat down one by one and informed of the who, what, when, where and how. They were more concerned with their own answers (for family gossip purposes?) and family image than of thinking about the emotional toll the last 20 years has been for me.  I feel like an idiot for thinking that they would be proud of my blog. Their questions are self serving and have nothing to do with the support that I as a survivor expect and deserve.

Deciding not to suffer in silence is a big step on the way to becoming a survivor, and once it does come out, we survivors don’t have a grasp on what it does to family and friends just as they do not have a grasp on our emotional state or how to “deal” with us. (Rev has a great article about Secondary Survivor’s I will post again soon)

It is the concern or “perceived” concern of family image that kept me quiet for so long. It’s disappointing that my concerns came to fruition once I began writing this blog. By coming out and speaking openly about my sexual abuse,  about what demons I held in, why I was who I was during my period of silence, I have become an outcast of sorts to my own family.

I have family members who make up their own assumptions of how I feel about them. No one wants to take the time to sit down and actually talk to me with an open mind and not get defensive when I speak about what I have seen through my eyes. What I have felt. Instead I get the cold shoulder or told my thoughts and feelings are wrong. To open. To honest. I have nothing to hide and if my family is anything like yours, they like the skeletons in the closet they don’t want the word to see.

The common theme is “Donnie is throwing everyone under the bus”. When the theme should be “Donnie is slowly becoming a survivor by speaking out against the atrocities that happened to him, and he is being open and honest about what happened to him and how it affected him.” Damn, that’s impressive.

Open and honest is what we are taught, until it tarnishes a family name or legacy. Some of my family members have gone to the extreme and said “It happened in the past, you had your chance to speak up when it was happening, you didn’t, so let it go and stop bringing a bad name to your family.”

And  people wonder why victims don’t want to come forward. Why we suffer in silence.

I am 30 years old. I refuse to suffer in silence. I am sorry to people who were once close to me who don’t want anything to do to me, because I am actually becoming the person I was meant to be. I was a scared little boy for 20 plus years. Now I am taking a stand. I am taking my life back.

I was raised in a  backwoods logging town and my Mom reinforced how much I had to stand up for myself as a minority in the community. She told me that I couldn’t let people knock me down, and if I was, that I had to get back up and fight. Most importantly, she taught me to speak my mind, but in speaking my mind, to speak the truth.

This is my mind, this is my truth. I live it everyday. I am a survivor and I am proud. I will not suffer in silence ever again.

¡No Más Silencio!

Donnie D.

*As always I was granted permission to share his story. Names have been taken out for privacy, but as all of us survivors know, the names are interchangeable, our stories stay the same. We are not alone. We need each other. So I am not going to comment or provide further thoughts, this is my friend’s forum*

Hey D,

How have you been? I hope all is well with you and things are going good.
I am writing because I read your blog-not just the one about Chris, but the others. I want to commend you a million times for doing that site. It’s a really hard thing to let people know about and to openly talk about.

I was reading one about how people think your gay and I guess that hit me really hard. I understand exactly where you are coming from 100%, I have been there in every aspect. This is between you and me but I was also abused as a kid and not that many people know because of the fact I hate when they feel sorry for you.

I don’t need pitty from them, I am as normal as the next guy but had a really tough experience. You know what I am talking about. I guess it just really hit home because I have had the same feeling when people say “oh he’s gay” and I am always getting angry. I also have alot of gay friends and they don’t know what has happened to me, but they always ask why I get so defensive.

I don’t know, I just think it’s a really good thing you are doing and keep it up. Your a good person and I really can’t express how I look up to you and what your doing.

It’s really funny that what you said about looking up to my life. I have been listening to a song all day and I write in a journal non stop and put these lyrics in them just this morning. “My Life, Your Entertainment. You watch it, while I live it. You waiting for me to lose it, I guess I’m just here for your amusement” It’s T.I. and Usher, it just really hit me hard because I have been struggling my whole life and like you I put that wall of this is me with what I have and wear. I always wanted people to be proud of me and look at me. But deep down I am struggling with my own problems.

But all the time everyone says “you’re so lucky”, when I really am struggling to survive mentally. I did the same thing as you did with the email. I sat in front of it and thought about sending it, but it felt right. You blog about it and you’re a true survivor.

It was never our fault and I know for me, I always thought it was me or people would judge me for it. It was always a dark cloud over me and until I was 25 (3 years ago) I really couldn’t even talk about it. My ex girlfriends mom was also abused and we would talk for hours and I would just cry.

That really made me understand alot about it and I still have hatred toward the person, he was a step dad and I was only 4 and 5 years old. He served 5 years in prison I think, and that will never give me back the 21 to 24 years I have had the thoughts and images. I still will have a nightmare about it once a year maybe but that’s it now. It is something I will never forget but at the same time, it has made me who I am. I am a stronger person and I know I can survive anything people throw at me.

I believe that is the same way you are, to do what your doing takes so much courage and I commend you for that. It is crazy that all those years of being friends we never said anything. I think about the times when I would be hanging out with you guys and now that I look back, we all tried and were successful but we really went after women more than the average guys. Alot of things make more sense and the reason I am so sexual to this day. I am just glad I emailed you, it’s nice to talk to a true friend and have them actually understand. Thank you Donnie, thank you soo much. If you need anything just let me know. I would love to help with anything I can. I just think of when I was younger if I could have talked to someone that went through the same thing, how different and how many years could I have saved feeling hurt and hate, just being different than everyone else. Just let me know what I can do, and I can’t tell you enough-

*We had a brief conversation about another close friend of ours, one who has been abused. He didn’t know and our friend has yet to find out that we have another survivor in our group of close friends. It’s always gut wrenching when you find out the people you are closest to were also abused, it really does all come together, especially male survivor friends*

I made my coffee and have been thinking the whole time. I guess I am just stunned about this whole thing, I have been thinking about how to talk to our friend and really how to really make the first move. I just don’t know how to say ” Hey me too ” that sounds weird but I want to talk to him. You guys are my brothers and really when I look back at my life, You, him, and our blond friend were a big part of my life and even though we don’t talk as much anymore I still really thank you guys for a lot of who I am.

With everything in my life that has happened, the abuse, not having a father and not trusting any older man. You guys were my family and all of you guys along with my brother were the man figures in my life growing up. I thank each of you for everything you guys did. You all may not know it but you all taught me to be a man and to respect older people. (not necessarily men but people older than me) When I got to hangout with you guys I had to respect you guys and not be a little kid, I look back and think about all the times you guys let the little brother hangout. Each time I did I enjoyed it because I was with my true family. So I thank each of you more than you ever will know.

Back to our friend, I do need help with this. I can’t think of anyway to say that “I know” and want to talk to him really bad. With you it was easy because I read your blogs and felt empowered and I thought it was amazing that you are out helping other people that have done the same things that I have.

-Put it away in a dark place and forget about it.- It’s funny because people have told me to go to a counselor and deal with it and a lot of the times I just got angry because I don’t want to talk to someone that doesn’t know the feeling and when you haven’t been through it, you truly (to me) can’t understand and know the feeling. I was pee’d on and alot of things that if you haven’t been there you don’t really know.

But talking to you and hopefully our friend soon, is a good thing and I know it wasn’t my fault in anyway. I was a child and it’s not my mom’s fault either. It is the first thing people think when you talk about it for the first time. They always tell me “It wasn’t your fault”, I know and try to express that to them. But without failure it always comes up.

Sorry if this email is so jumping, I just have a million things to say and trying to put them all in one email. haha sorry. I just want you to know that you’re doing an amazing thing here and thank you so much for telling me about our friend. I still can’t believe we all were friends and each of us had something that we were all hurting from and didn’t say anything. I truly believe that is why we all were friends though. I do think that we helped each other out and didn’t realize it back then. Because I look back and think about the times when I would wake up from a bad dream about it and there you and him would be, poke checking me in the a.m. haha but you guys were there a lot when it was really rough for me and even though you guys don’t know it, YOU HELPED ME. Thank you and now even more of my life is making sense.

I love ya brother,

Close Friend,  Fellow Survivor.

www.sixteenpercent.com

Thank you.

First, I would like to share this RAINN PSA with you. It’s a minute long and they rolled it out specifically for Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month.

So here’s the next idea;

Donate one of your vices. Just one. One time this month, instead of grabbing a latte, or a pack of cigs…Donate a few bucks to RAINN. Turn your Vice for a Day into a Vice for RAINN.

So I already know what my vice is. Every Friday night when I work at the hospital, the cafeteria is closed so I end up ordering food. Usually pizza or sometimes a friend will bring me some fast food.  I am going to pack my own dinner one day this month, and the $$$ I would normally use to buy food, will go to RAINN.

Your vice might only be a $3 latte (I would highly recommend smokers become coffee drinkers cause I’m sure a pack of cancer is like 7 or 8 bucks now days!)

But when a $3 donation turns into $6, and 15 people do it, we turn our vice, just one vice out of one day out of one month, into an hour of call center service for RAINN.

Wednesday, April 29th. That is the day we will turn our vices into something positive! (I know, before payday again, my bad!)

The nerd in me also would love to hear what vice you gave up for a good cause. Check out my RAINNMaker Donnie page (here) or from the link in column 3.

Vice for RAINN. April 29th.

A Vice for a Day keeps NAMBLA away,

Donnie D.